Grand Schemes vs Actual Scenes

I am writing this after having about 3 hours of sleep. I feel like a zombie! So, I hope this all makes sense.

I’ve been feeling my usual mixed emotions over the last few weeks. I’ve felt hurt, making me want to retreat, which was fortunate as that’s what I had planned anyway.

I’ve felt sad and, of course, felt angry because that seems to be my default setting. I knew that those feelings were being magnified by alcohol and knowing I had some nights out coming up. I could say I wouldn’t drink, but I knew I would and would only feel frustrated at myself when I inevitably failed, so I accepted my sorry fate.

I am still finding it especially difficult to have self-compassion and do what I know is good for me. It’s something I know I need to get a grasp of, but it’s such a hard habit to break. My brain is working against me. For example, As soon as I’ve said no drinking, I want to drink etc

WHY AM I LIKE THIS??

I speak to my friend who has also just started HRT and reading her messages is like reading my thoughts. I feel like half a person; my brain isn’t functioning properly and by the time I have given what I have to give to others, I have nothing left for myself.

I decided that I need to be more strict with myself, so I start on Friday once I have a clear run at the week. Here’s how that went.

Things I wanted to do on the Friday:

• Go for a morning walk.