Grand Schemes vs Actual Scenes

Clare - This Is Still Me♥️
3 min readDec 5, 2023

I am writing this after having about 3 hours of sleep. I feel like a zombie! So, I hope this all makes sense.

I’ve been feeling my usual mixed emotions over the last few weeks. I’ve felt hurt, making me want to retreat, which was fortunate as that’s what I had planned anyway.

I’ve felt sad and, of course, felt angry because that seems to be my default setting. I knew that those feelings were being magnified by alcohol and knowing I had some nights out coming up. I could say I wouldn’t drink, but I knew I would and would only feel frustrated at myself when I inevitably failed, so I accepted my sorry fate.

I am still finding it especially difficult to have self-compassion and do what I know is good for me. It’s something I know I need to get a grasp of, but it’s such a hard habit to break. My brain is working against me. For example, As soon as I’ve said no drinking, I want to drink etc

WHY AM I LIKE THIS??

I speak to my friend who has also just started HRT and reading her messages is like reading my thoughts. I feel like half a person; my brain isn’t functioning properly and by the time I have given what I have to give to others, I have nothing left for myself.

I decided that I need to be more strict with myself, so I start on Friday once I have a clear run at the week. Here’s how that went.

Things I wanted to do on the Friday:

  • Go for a morning walk.
  • Spend a couple of hours on my current work project
  • Schedule my blog posts for the following week
  • Write the following week’s midweek medley
  • Edit my blog post for my business page
  • Have a bath and do my fake tan
  • Remove my nail polish ready to do a mani/pedi tomorrow
  • Cook a nutritious Gousto dinner
  • Have an alcohol-free night with the husband
  • Have a nice early night, ready to wake up fresh for tomorrow

Things I actually did on Friday

  • Woke up at 5 am
  • Drank tea and Coke Zero while messing about with a budgeting spreadsheet for 5 hours
  • Moaned at the husband
  • Attempted to make an omelette (by attempt, I mean go to the kitchen and realise the specific pan I wanted to use…

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Clare - This Is Still Me♥️

Join me as I conquer my 40s with humor and honesty. From Marriage to Step-Parenting, Perimenopause to freelancing – I'm spilling it all.