Ugh. Here we are again.
I feel like I’m constantly ricocheting through the same cycle of emotions.
Just a few weeks back, I was looking forward to a weekend trip to stay at my friend’s Hereford. Those weekends are always a breather – a mix of relaxation, laughter, good food, and drinks.
But when I got home on the Sunday, that familiar feeling of overwhelm engulfed me. No one was home, and the house wasn’t upside down, but my brain was in its default mode of “right, what do I need to do next?”
I was determined to chill out and not let my feelings take over. I pushed the growing urge to clean, write and check my emails deep down into the depths of my brain. Fortunately, the husband walked in the door at that point, and we chilled in front of the TV.
The tiredness from the 3-hour drive eventually took over, and I went to bed, pleased that I had managed to leave all of my “to-do” items alone. Sadly, my brain wasn’t on the same page. I was awake at 4 am on Monday with, quite frankly, pointless, unimportant items dancing around my head, so I decided that the best course of action was to get up and on with the day.
At 5:30 am, I was out walking. It may as well be 1 am. It was so dark and desolate out, but I did it and felt better for it. But of course, overwhelm was indoors waiting for me like a dark cloud of gloom and no sooner was I sat down than my brain going on at me.
I cried twice that day. I knew it all probably seemed worse because I was tired, but that didn’t make me feel better. It only made my brain chatter more. I wanted off this relentless roundabout of internal noise.
I forced myself to sort out my car insurance, seething again that I had to physically speak to someone to cancel my policy and couldn’t do it online. Cancelling should be as effortless as buying, and they rely on people not wanting to make the call to make money, and it shouldn’t be bloody allowed.
On Tuesday, I was awake early again, although I got up at 5:30 and made some tea. My walk would be later today to my counselling session.
I considered what I wanted to discuss as I walked to my session. What I really wanted right now was to stand still and stop. I had a few busy weekends coming up and my brain was just a jumble of plans, outfits and how I was going to fit everything I needed to do in between.