The Never-Ending Journey For The Solution to My Midlife Sorrows

When Wednesday arrived, I took a much-needed day off after all the doctor drama earlier that week.

I went to London to meet my friend for lunch, ate and drank what I wanted, and didn’t think about all the turmoil I’d been feeling. I wanted to forget everything for just one day, and I did.

The following day, it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. As soon as I opened my laptop, I felt instantly overwhelmed. I pushed and pushed through that morning, determined not to crack, and I have to say, for once, pushing against my resistance paid off.

I managed to turn things around and even returned some parcels I had left until the last minute. Although I did feel annoyed with myself about it, when I got back, I was feeling almost normal. My husband was faffing with the printer, so I tried to help with that. Just as I was starting to relax, my phone rang. I took a deep breath; I just wanted this one hour to chill out before I had to get back to work.

I got off the phone feeling like I was carrying the weight of everyone’s problems. No one had given them to me; I just seemed to take it upon myself to try and figure out everyone’s worries when I didn’t need to.

I sat down and started Googling how to solve the husband’s printer issues. Again, he hadn’t asked me to. When I finally broke, I felt so overwhelmed; I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t focus, and I just wanted to cry.

I felt so angry about the lack of help I was receiving from my private healthcare. They have still not responded to my email from Monday, and I am just left swimming around with all of this uncertainty when I just want some answers so I can find a solution to this messy scribble that is my brain right now.

My husband is going away next week, and I am dreading it. I don’t want to be alone; I am scared and stressed. But I don’t tell him this because he probably needs a break from me; I need a break from me too!

I can’t bring myself to open my laptop again, so I let out all my frustration by typing a long email of complaint to the private healthcare company and then go into the garden for another cry.

I try to swallow down the constant fury I feel with everyone and everything. I feel like I am going insane. I want to smash up everything in sight, but I know that this won’t help; I will just have more to cry…